U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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