Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
