you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
