maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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