So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
you never un-have a 4some
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
