I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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