you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
