i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
