Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
