And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
