Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
