people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
