I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
my being single is dangerous.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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