She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
