Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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