Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
