someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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