I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
