I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My dick has a subreddit
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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