a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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