yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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