Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
