maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
