bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
