I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
