He uses pillows to masturbate.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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