we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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