You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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