Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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