My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
