You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
vagina is talking i cant
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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