either way he was missing a nipple.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
