3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
