You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
