ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
