Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
