Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
