I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
