Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
