I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
