when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
