I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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