Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You are the jesus of drinking
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
