Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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