She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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