Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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