dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
