Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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