After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
