I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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