you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
